Tales of the Parodyverse

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ag
Wed Dec 22, 2004 at 08:05:58 pm EST
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Trickshot Christmas Special
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They died.
Art, Randy, Mandy, Flapjack. So many others.
I didn’t really get to know the interns.
They were alright I guess, but I always felt they got under foot abit. Well now they’re dead an I wish I woulda spent more time getting to know them.
Then there’s Flapjack. That guy was funny. We’d hang out, joke. Man I’m gonna miss him. Who’s gonna video tape the girl’s showers now? Who’s gonna map out the constantly morphing walls an show where all the peep holes are?
I wont do it because I’ve gotta remain respectable.
Anyway so the whole Legion was getting ready to go to Mumph’s house for a big Christmas party. I told Dancer to count me out. I thought I’d just stay home at the mansion and feel sorry for myself. She didn’t take no for an answer though.
“So you’ll be there?”
“I told you already, no.”
“GREAT! We’ll plan on you being there then.”
“Hey! I said…”
“And while we’re getting ready you could help Jay with his deliveries to the Zero Street Mission.”
“But I was just gonna…”
“HEY JAY! Take Carl with you! He wants to help too!”
“I never said I wanted to…”
Hatman came over and smiled. I coulda wiped that stupid grin right off of his face. “Tricky you want to help? Great! We have two stops, one to the mission and one to the orphanage. We’re meeting Father Mac Fleetwood at the mission. Come on lets go.”
Alright, I don’t like people yanking my chain but I’m no Scrooge. The mission has a lot of guys and families down on their luck, so I finally gave up and shrugged my shoulders. Besides, YOU argue with Dancer.
I offered to Jay that we take my Flying Ass. It’s a flying bike type thing. It’s not really a bike cause there’s no wheels. CrazySugarFreakBoy wanted me to call it my flying steed cause it resembled some kind of flying machine in the Avengers comics. Some goofball called the Black Knight rode one. I got mine from the hanger. Guess Mr. Epitome confiscated one from the Low Evolutionary and rode it to the mansion once when his Express was in the shop. It jerks and stalls sometimes so he left it in the hanger. I took it over. He called it a Flying Ass and the name stuck.
So I’ve been tinkering with it and got it to stop stalling and jerking. Cant shoot arrows in the air if the blasted thing is messing up my aim, can I?
So anyway there we were, Jay rode behind me and I drove. We used one of Al’s force fields to carry the bags of goods for the mission and orphanage.
“So Carl, Dancer made you huh?”
“Yep. You know her. She conned me into this. But then when you said where we were going I thought I’d give it a try. There are tons of people in that mission thanks to those Hellraisers. I thought I’d help. What’s in the bags?”
“Well coats for the people at the mission and toys for the orphans. Thanks for coming Carl.”
“No problemundo Hatster.”
That’s all we say on the way there because what else is there? So we landed. A smooth ride.
Rev. Fleetwood was there to greet us. “Jay, Trickshot, welcome! Curtis help them with the bags.”
There was this guy with red hair and rosey cheeks named Curtis who started to go for the bags. He lifted them and placed them on a folding table. Jay knew him.
“Hey Curtis, still helping out I see?”
“Hi Jay! Yes, it’s great! There are so many people who could use help here.” He went back to what he was doing, pulling out the coats and all. Seeing my confused expression Jay explained, “Curtis doesn’t know who he is. He found himself on the doorstep of a woman named Jackie Roberts. She was kind enough to let him stay there but he didn’t want to be a bother so after a little while he moved to the mission. He’s been helping Mac during the Balefire blackout, the Crisis and the Hellraiser situation.”
“He’s been invaluable. You just feel good around him.” The Reverend explained. “Well, we’d best get started.”
We spent a good hour handing out warm coats to the people there. I met families with no homes or lost loved ones. I’m not gonna say I cried. I’m tough, ya know? But I did feel for them.
There was one time when this man who lost his house and all his stuff in a fire but still had his family was talking to me. I told him I was sorry he was homeless but he said, “It’s alright. Curtis explained it to us. He told us that we weren’t homeless like the Christ child was. See. Like he said, in His love there will always be a home.”
Never thought of it that way.
After we were done it was time to head to the orphanage.
“Curtis wants to join us. We’ll meet you in the car.”
“Hey, can I ride with Trickshot? I’ve ridden on something like that before and I wanted to try it out. Besides, the Reverend and Jay should take the car, just in case we forget any presents.”
“Of course” the Rev replied.
Curtis then explained, “I told Reverend Fleetwood I’ve been getting these flashes of memories lately. There was some kind of thing that flew in the sky at night? I was on it with someone special. I remember the wonderful feeling of the cool night air in my hair. Strange, huh?”
“Not at all Curtis. Anything to help you with your memory. Well Carl? Can he?” the Rev. asked me. What was I gonna say? No?
So he hoped on and we took off. I see what the Rev and Jay were talking about. This guy made me feel good. He was just… happy. I started small talk.
“So Curtis, what else do you remember?”
“Coldness but yet warmth. Snow. Lots and lots of snow. And animals. Weird. I don’t mean to sound crazy.”
“Curtis in my business I’ve seen a lot crazier. So they said you lived with Jackie Roberts? Ever meet her brother?”
“Yes! He was very nice. Mr. Bastion you knew their heroic identities right?”
Now I never told Curtis my last name but I guessed Jay must’ve. I haven’t really worried about the whole secret ID thing but still the turkey coulda asked. I choose to ignore it. “What identities?”
“I understand your candor but it’s alright. She told me. I knew they were Jack and Jackie Rabbit.”
“Did you now?”
“It’s sad what happened, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“I miss both of them.”
“Me too Curtis. Me too.”
It was quiet the rest of the way. I was a member of the JBH and I considered them my friends. Sure, we didn’t get along but the four who died deserved better. I don’t blame the others for disbanding the team and going their own ways. I’ve bugged AG to start up a new team but he swore after all the deaths during the Crisis he didn’t want any part of it.
Anyway so we walked into the orphanage and the kids went wild. Guess Curtis has been very popular. He pulled out the sack and started handing out gifts. I could see he really honestly loved doing this.
At first I was going to tell him to wait till Jay and the Rev got there but I just couldn’t do it. Those kids looked so happy.
I got to hand it to the Rev. He did his homework. Every toy Curtis pulled out was exactly what the particular kid wanted. I mean to the tee.
So he got down to the last of the bag and a little girl, the last one, was waiting.
“I don’t understand. The bag is empty.” He said. Man he seemed just as bummed as the girl was. He then knelt really close and said, “Molly I’m very, very sorry.” His eyes were wet. “Maybe your present is back at the mission. What did you want for Christmas?”
She shook her tiny head. The kid didn’t want to say.
“Come on. It’s alright. You can tell me Molly.”
One of the boys spoke up, “She just arrived yesterday. She doesn’t like to talk about it.”
“Come on Molly. I’m Curtis and I’m these kids friend. Please tell me what you want for Christmas.”
She spoke up, really soft like, “My mommy and daddy.”
“You’re mommy and daddy?”
He closed his eyes a moment with grief and then opened them and said, “What happened Molly?”
She started to cry, “Well they got sick like everybody else. We went to the hospital and they went to sleep. The doctors took them away and I waited and waited but nobody would let me in to see them. Then this mean lady brought me here.”
Oh man. Her parents died and no one told her. Now we get stuck with the job. I wondered how Curtis was going to handle this one.
He wasn’t explaining anything to her though. Instead he just hugged her and whispered something. I listened in.
“Please. She doesn’t deserve this. Please.”
I figured he had lost it but I wasn’t going to say anything. He just knelt there with the scared kid in his arms for a bit. I wanted to say something. Anything. Somehow though I couldn’t get the words out. I wanted to tell him lets go. That there’s nothing we can do for the kid. It was too late. Nothing came out though. Then the Rev and Jay walked in with some people. Finally I found my voice.
“What took you so long?” I asked but no one was listening. The girl saw the couple who were with the Rev and Jay and she squealed. She tore off into their arms and the three were bawling.
“MOMMY! DADDY! You’re ok!”
“MOLLY! We missed you! I was so scared!” the mother couldn’t speak any more. She was too overwhelmed. The father started to explain through his tears, “We were hit with the plague. Then this nice nurse gave us the antidote but after we woke up we couldn’t find our daughter.”
“It was very fortunate that you had us go in the car Curtis. I almost forgot the toys.” I noticed he had another bag full of toys in his hand.
Jay then explained more, “While Reverend Fleetwood was looking for the toys Molly’s parents walked up the street. They had been looking for their daughter for days. With all the confusion no one told them she was here.”
The Rev continued, “I finally found the toys. They were right by the door. I must be getting old. Anyway when I came outside and heard their story I realized they must’ve been talking about our Molly.”
The dad continued, “I don’t know why we went down that street. If we had gone a different way…”
“Oh Art don’t question it! We’ve got our Molly back!”
They hugged and the kid then turned to Curtis and said, “Thank you Curtis!”
I looked at the guy. Figured he would just be glad but surprised like me. His face though. It’s almost like he knew.
“Wait though.” I said. “We already had the toys. Curtis gave them out.”
“Sorry Carl but you must be mistaken. This is the toys I bought. See?” the Rev explained.
I looked back at Curtis to ask him what was going on when the door flung open. There, in the door frame, was a little guy I hadn’t seen around the mansion in awhile. It was Zebulon. He’s the elf who had some gig up north for a long time until he quit and started working for NTU-150.
“I KNEW IT!” He said. “Curtis it IS you!”
“Zebulon? How’s life outside the … pole? Why did I just say that?”
Zebulon marched over and said, “I saw you during the Crisis but before I could get there you blended into the crowd. I’ve been looking for you ever since! Once you turned on that Christmas Magic of yours I tuned in and came right over. Where have you been?”
“Zebulon. Christmas Magic? Oh no. OH NO! I REMEMBER! I was helping father on the sleigh last year and fell off! I’ve been away for a whole year! I know who I am!”
“Oh brother. Let me guess. You’re Santa?” I said.
“No dufus!” Zebulon replied, “This isn’t Kris Kringle. This is Kurtis Kringle! He’s the Son of Santa!”
“I remember! Oh Jolly Old St. Nicolas Lend Your Ear This Way!”
There was a jingle of bells in the distance and a scent of holly berries. Then Kurtis was transformed. He wore a red suit with white trim and a wreath on his chest. He had a long flowing red cape with cotton trim to match the suit. He had a Santa hat on and held a strange looking candy cane staff.
“Reverend Fleetwood, Jay, Carl, I need to get to the North Pole! I need to go home! Will you be ok Reverend?”
To his credit the Rev wasn’t surprised at all. “Of course, of course! Have fun!”
Kurtis then waved his weird glowing candy cane staff and a flying Snowmobile appeared. I ain’t kidding! He then motioned for Zebulon to get on.
“Come on Zeb! You’re coming too!”
“Oh no I’m not! He would never let me back!”
“Father doesn’t hold grudges, you know that! Hop on!”
Zebulon did and the flying snowmobile flew out into the sky.
I heard Kurtis say with a shout, “Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!”





a.g., writing for Tricky
Amazing Guy






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